Thursday, June 9, 2011
His name is really Weiner...
Monday, May 2, 2011
Obama gets Osama. Really?
Maybe he just killed this guy? Not a tragedy, but not Osama, either.
I passed a nice wine shop today
...and all I could smell was dog piss. I live in Brooklyn and tend to think it's shittier here in some ways, than Manhattan. Well, today, I was cruising through the Upper East Side of Manhattan, and remarkably, the whole god damned area smells like dog piss. And these are rich people who ostensibly went to college and know better than to turn their whole neighborhood into a dog toilet. The urine smell was bad enough, but there were schmears of poo all over the place where the well-heeled or their help attempted to clean up little Coconut's high-protein-diet-loose-stool. It's a one-two punch: rich people feed their dogs rich food, which is terrible for the dog, but they love it (see humans; dietary problems) and then they pooze it like soft serve. Great. Now the person attempts to clean it up but is only able to schmear it along and paint the sidewalk brown as they attempt to gain purchase of something that is so elusive to grip: soft dog mess. I'll dispense with the 'curb your dog' rules because it's plainly obvious that dragging an 8 lb dog 4 feet is beyond the physical capabilities of the average do-nothing upper east side female and certainly beyond the pay grade of the help being forced into canine servitude - they're pretty much like, 'oh, look at little Marmalaide, spreading some love for the rich assholes to step in.' Well fuck you! I walk the streets too and I may act like an asshole sometimes but I am not rich and I do not look down on the help, though I might if I had any (not true. I'd bend over backward so they didn't feel bad so I didn't feel bad, thus rendering them ineffective help, and then I'd be too chicken to fire them making the whole situation terrible as I suspected they were stealing everything).
I know I keep harping on the dog shit situation, but seriously - why is it so hard to be a responsible dog owner. I'm gonna make it simple. Dogs are to poo and pee in the gutter (that's the street for y'all slow bitches). And THEN, you pick it it up! Voila! You should also carry a pee-squeegee to soak up the urine, but this, I realize is a fantasy.
The wine shop looked really nice, BTW. Had two (no shit! Two!) chandeliers. Too bad there was a dog peeing on the door when I walked by...
Sunday, February 13, 2011
Hey you, sitting in a cafe on your laptop: fuck you.
Monday, February 7, 2011
If your dog craps in snow, you still have to pick it up.
Thursday, January 13, 2011
More Croquet Chat - New BCDC Logo unveiled at Gala!
The ice sculpture of a single blade of our club's proprietary hybrid of Zoysia and Bermuda grass was slowing dripping its life away amidst the boisterous clatter of a bunch of croquet heads pounding Mallet Mashes (BCDC signature cocktail) whilst talking trash away from the pitch. Adding to the general cacophony was Die Valkyrie on a loop at deafening levels, all members idiotically thinking it was anthemizing their pre-season attack dialogue (when in fact the song belonged exclusively to The Course Whisperer as per a fine print clause in the contract all members had blindly signed after a few MMs at his Bed Stuy Atelier one snowy evening in 2009). Like the game, it's all details and angles. Why were we gathered at this exclusive fete in the rec room of the Bedford Armory on Sumner Avenue? It was an unveiling of the exciting new logo of the BCDC. This new icon does not replace our classic original logo, but provides an alternate logo that appeals to a different design aesthetic, namely the 60s Espresso machine aficionado crowd, which dovetails into the vintage Ducati crowd, which tolerates the vintage Lambretta crowd, which lassos the Rock Steady kids, which of course pulls in the Vinyl collector, arcane rare groove crowd. I like all these people, so lets welcome our new logo and our new potential members.
If you'd like a tee with this logo on it, email me and I'll make you one, in the aforementioned atelier. Word.
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
There's 10 inches of snow on the ground - let's talk CROQUET!!!
Some of you may know that the Communal Brands winos like to unwind with unflinchingly vicious croquet when possible. There have been t-shirts made to prove that we can wear t-shirts...and of course validate our fledgling club. The club is called the BCDC which stands for Brooklyn Croquet and Drinking Club and we generally play in Prospect Park, but have artfully arranged wickets in Long Island and the Catskills as well for the purpose of humiliation and bragging rights. People who even have an inkling of what croquet is about generally think it's about putting a ball through a metal arch sunk into the grass. This is true, but the arch is called a wicket and the balls are called balls and one utilizes a mallet, gripped appropriately to perform this task. What is more true is that putting the ball through the wicket is actually secondary to the primary task: preventing your opponents from doing aforementioned wicket transcendence. The art of screwing other players on the grass is really where the rubber hits the road when it comes to good times at a BCDC outing and if you've got a vein of wicked running somewhere through your corpus, you'll find croquet very deeply satisfying.
Sooooo, while we've been happily smacking each others balls in Brooklyn, NY, thinking we were clever AND cute to be playing such a quaint game, we've been blithely ignoring our rival Brooklyn Croquet Club that's been around a lot longer than us in, can you guess where? Fucking right! New Zealand! Can you believe it? Here we are, being led on the pitch by our stalwart Kiwi cock-of-the-walk croquet master, Dan Saunders, aka Mr. Through & Screw, and all the while there's a Kiwi club called the Brooklyn Croquet Club!
Upshot: I hereby challenge, on all the rights and authority of being a founding member and creative director of the BCDC, also known to those who matter as The Course Whisperer...where was I, oh yeah, I challenge The Brooklyn Croquet Club to a round in Prospect Park, Brooklyn, NY, USA on June 12th at 1 PM in the Great Meadow. Let's see if these turkeys show up!