Hey you, sitting in a cafe on your laptop: fuck you.

Let's see...what should I do today? Oh, I got it, I'll head down to my local coffee spot and sip one fucking cup of coffee while using the free wi fi. Oh and I won't talk to anyone or move for 6 hours. Yup. And one more thing, my computer battery sucks, so you don't mind if I just plug my computer in behind you, do you? Of course not! Shit, why don't you bring all your rechargeable devices and plug them all in and put them on my lap. They'll keep my peen nice and warm, thank you very much. BTW, I'm terribly sorry my son said hi to you 8 times. He's just being friendly and trying to strike up conversation in what was formerly a pretty social place. I see you've got your laptop (a fucking Dell? What are you poor?) and you are prolly IMing with Steven Soderberg about writing Sex Lies and Netflix, the sequel to his bravura debut, Sex Lies and Videotape. Aren't you clever. I bet you even have a blog where you write about your fascinating life of sitting in cafes on your Dell Experion with it's Lithium Ion battery sticker advertising it has a Lithium Ion battery. FAN -CEE! Wooo. Blog writers are like the dog shit that gets stuck in the channels of your rugged soul - that was poetic. Maybe I should head over to the cafe with my MacBook and join the saddening crowd.

If your dog craps in snow, you still have to pick it up.

What the gumdrop is wrong with people? Do people who leave their dog's shit on the street LIKE to step in shit? It's far too easy to understand why it's good to pick it up (not to mention, it's the law) for there to be any reason people don't pick it up except for they like to step in shit. Oh right, they're just lazy scum. That too. No matter where your dog craps, you must pick it up - that means even if you curb your dog, congratulations, first of all, and BTW, you still have to pick it up. If your dog shits into a champagne glass that happens to be left on the street on, let's say, a Saturday morning, I'd say, take a picture and then pick up the glass and put it in the garbage. That said, I'd be pretty intrigued if I saw a champagne glass filled with poo on the sidewalk. If your dog poops on top of some other dogs earlier poop, well, then you gotta pick up yours off the top, at least. If you're a responsible person, you understand that the comingling rule comes into play and you should pick up both poops as it's really just one pile at this point. If your dog pinches his loaf any grassy area, like a tree or flower pit on a sidewalk, guess what? You still have to pick that shit up! Grassy or other bits of flora lining our streets are there to beautify, not be a crap catcher for your shit machine. Just to be clear - if your dog shits on grass or dirt or the roots of a tree or on mulch or decorative stones surrounding a plant - YOU MUST PICK IT UP. Let's not even get into the fact that you shouldn't have let your BFF take a dump in or on anything I've just mentioned because it's nigh on impossible to get it all up. Utilize that leash you should have on the beast and drag that fucker to an appropriate place to shit, like your fucking front yard or your driveway or your sidewalk or your zen sand garden. Which brings me to the city's au courant problem with the lingering snow mounds. I get it - you think because it's a slippery snow mound, people won't be walking on it and thus makes it fair game to shit on. WRONG. Hot brown shit is a visual eyesore as well as being an organic bio hazard and placing it on white (ish) snow just adds contrast and really draws the eye. For this, I say FUCK YOU. All you dog owners who don't pick up their shit should be rounded up and have your heads placed between the open car door and frame of the car door and we should all be able to slam the door on your head. As much as we want. You are a selfish, useless piece of caca yourself and smashing your skull in a car door will only begin to make me feel better. Making you eat some of your dog's own creation would actually make me happy. Genuinely. Let's get this done, people.